In honor of Nina, from Act Four of The Seagull by Anton Chekhov:
Let's sit and talk and talk. It's so nice here, so comfortable and warm ...
Can you hear that wind? There's a passage in Turgenev ... "Happy the man on such a night who has a roof of his own and a place by the fire ..."
I'm the seagull ... No, that's not right....What was i saying?
Oh, yes, Turgenev. "...and may the Lord help all homeless wanderers."
...It doesn't matter; I feel better now. I haven't cried in two years. I came out here last night, late, to see if our theatre was still standing. And there it was. And I cried for the first time in two years. It made me feel better, lighter somehow. See? I'm not crying anymore....that was such a happy life, back then. We were still children. I'd wake up in the morning and start singing. I was in love with you, I was in love with fame ... And now? I have to get up early tomorrow morning to catch the train...What a horrible life!...
Why did you say you kissed the ground I walked on? You should have killed me instead. I'm so tired! I want to rest, I just want to rest. I'm the seagull ... No, that's not it. I'm an actress. That's it....
He's here too. He is, isn't he? Well, never mind. He never believed in the theatre, he laughed at all my dreams, and little by little I stopped believing in it too. And then all the emotional stress, the jealousy; I was always afraid for the baby ... I started getting petty, depressed, my acting was emptier and emptier ... I didn't know what to do with my hands, I didn't know how to hold myself onstage, I couldn't control my voice. You don't know what that's like, to realize you're a terrible actor. I'm the seagull ... No, that's not it ...
Remember that seagull you shot? A man comes along, sees her, and destroys her life because he has nothing better to do ... a subject for a short story. No, that's not it ... What was I saying? Oh yes, the theatre ... I'm not like that anymore. I'm a real actress now. I enjoy acting, I'm proud of it, the stage intoxicates me. When I'm up there I feel beautiful. And these days, being back here, walking for hours on end, thinking and thinking, I could feel my soul growing stronger day after day. And now I know, Kostya, I understand, finally, that in our business -- acting, writing, it makes no difference -- the main thing isn't being famous, it's not the sound of applause, it's not what I dreamed it was. All it is is the strength to keep going, no matter what happens. You have to keep on believing. I believe, and it helps. And now when I think about my vocation, I'm not afraid of life.
